I don’t know who I am anymore.
Online psychotherapy for women who no longer feel sure of who they are, what they want, or where they go from here.
Recognizing the Quiet Shift
Losing your sense of who you are can be difficult to put into words. Sometimes something has changed; sometimes you've simply begun to notice that you don't know yourself as well as you thought you did.
You might find yourself thinking:
I don't feel like myself anymore
I don't know what I want
I don't know how I feel anymore
I always seem to put everyone first
I feel like I've lost myself
I don't know what comes next
Two Ways of Arriving Here
Not knowing who you are doesn't always begin in the same place. For some women, there was never a strong sense of knowing. For others there is a clear feeling of having lost something they had.
[1] "I don't think I've ever known who I am"
Long-term Adaptation
You may have spent much of your life adapting to what was happening around you, responding to other people's needs, or becoming what was needed of you.
For some women, this begins early. Trauma, instability, emotional neglect, or not having the relational support needed to explore and develop a sense of self can make it difficult to know what is genuinely yours - your feelings, preferences, needs and wants.
You might find yourself thinking:
I've spent so long becoming what was needed that I'm not sure what is mine.
[2] "I don't know who I am anymore"
Life Change and Disruption
Perhaps you once had a clearer sense of yourself, but something has changed. A relationship has ended. Someone has died. Your children have grown up. Your health, work or circumstances have changed. You may be experiencing burnout, perimenopause or another significant transition.
The roles, relationships or structures that once helped organise your life may no longer fit - or may no longer be there at all.
You might find yourself thinking:
I used to know myself. Now I'm not sure who I am or what comes next.
The Lone Wolf Philosophy
Finding your way forward begins with working out what you actually need.
Understanding what has happened can sometimes give you enough traction to begin moving again. A different perspective, a useful piece of writing, or one focused conversation may be enough. At other times, having someone alongside you for longer can help.
The aim is not to tell you who you should be, but to help you understand yourself well enough to begin finding your own way forward.
The Work's Purpose
The aim isn't to uncover one fixed, 'authentic' self, but to become better able to recognise, understand and respond to who you are as you and your life continue to change.
Coherence
Flexibility
- making sense of yourself
- moving with a changing landscape
Having a coherent sense of self doesn't mean that every part of you has to agree, or that who you are has to remain consistent throughout your life. You may behave differently in different relationships, hold apparently contradictory feelings, or discover that things which once mattered to you no longer do.
In therapy, we become curious about how the different parts of you, your experiences and the ways you've adapted fit together. Understanding why particular patterns developed - and whether they still fit who you are now - can help seemingly disconnected or contradictory parts of yourself begin to make more sense as part of a whole.
A strong sense of self doesn't mean being the same in every situation. We all adapt to different people, relationships and circumstances. The difference is being able to respond to what is happening around you without continually losing sight of what is happening within you.
In therapy, we begin to notice where you automatically adapt, accommodate or override yourself - perhaps through people-pleasing, putting other people's needs first or finding it difficult to set boundaries - and where you have room for choice. As you become better able to recognise your own feelings, needs, preferences and values, you can respond to other people and to changing circumstances without losing yourself in the process.
Agency
- having a voice in your own life
Knowing what you feel, need or want isn't always straightforward when you've spent a long time focused on other people or responding to what is expected of you. Part of therapy can involve learning - or relearning - how to notice your own feelings, needs, preferences and values, and becoming curious about what they are telling you now.
Agency can't stop at self-awareness. We also work with what it means to take what you discover seriously: trusting your own judgement, making choices, setting boundaries and becoming more self-directed. Other people and circumstances still matter, but the external becomes information rather than automatically the instruction.
My Therapeutic Approach
I practise a collaborative, Humanistic Integrative approach, informed by Solution Focused and Somatic Trauma work, including attention to the body and nervous system. I bring theoretical insight and pattern recognition to the work, while you remain the expert on your lived experience and what works for you.
Therapy with me isn't about endlessly excavating the past or following a rigid protocol. We may explore your past where it helps make sense of what is happening now, but the work also looks forward: noticing what is already changing, discovering what works for you, experimenting with different possibilities and helping you participate more deliberately in what comes next.
“I now feel like I know exactly who I am, what I feel, and what I want out of life”
— Former client